Mommy needs a break.

Some days I don't think I can do this mom-thing anymore. It's too hard. I'm just not equipped with enough patience or whatever it is that makes one a good parent. I think that I've probably already screwed up my toddler. I'm so short-tempered with him. Some days, it seems that he can't do anything right. Right now, he's watching TV. We watch a lot of TV. If we aren't watching TV, I'm probably pissed off about something. But I feel guilty about all of the TV-watching we do. I feel like I should be able to cope better so that we don't have to rely on TV. What did moms do before TV? He's probably going to end up with ADD or a short attention span or not able to interact with people. So he's screwed no matter what we do. Angry mom vs. too much TV.

I hate that I feel guilty cooing and smiling at the baby. I'm not doing much cooing at the toddler these days. What's the equivalent to cooing anyway? No matter how much attention I give him when I can, it's never enough. It's never enough. So how much is enough? I don't know. It never feels OK to disappoint him. I hate it when he starts acting out. Maybe I feel guilty for bringing in another person into his world. He's still a baby himself. And since the baby was born, it's like I expect him to do more, behave like an older kid or something. If you want to go outside, then don't run away from me when I'm trying to put your shoes and coat on. I try to reason with him like he's capable of logic. Heh. Two year old logic -- whatever that is.

I hate that whenever I sit down, I have to get up two seconds later because somebody needs something, including myself. I hate that whenever I sit down, he wants me to read books to him. Enough with the truck book already. Stop whacking the baby in the head with it. What happened to the little guy who could entertain himself for several minutes at a time?

I hate that when I'm not paying attention to him, he wanders around like he's bored or that I'm depriving him of something. I deserve a few minutes to myself, too, don't I? Or am I supposed to get those when everyone's sleeping? With enough wandering, he eventually gets into something he's not supposed to, something that gets me out of my seat, which is his ultimate goal, I think.

He's been sick with something or other off and on over the last month. So we haven't been in our usual playgroup / Parents Morning Out / storytime routine. I think that's taken its toll on him and me. We both need to get out.

Oops, gotta go. He's about to pull something off the counter onto his head.